#like... the fact that he was constantly sad and lonely and barely tolerated even when he got better were his defining character traits...

[petr1kov]

simon:

every character on fionna and cake: ugh simon, why are you so boring and sad now? i miss when you used to be the fun and happy and beloved ice king

ice king on the actual original show:

[vikkirosko]

could we get humans (boy and girls, if you want to) pining for the reader 👀👀👀

Headcanons Pining for you

👓John Egbert x Reader🌪

John, pining for you, tries to pretend that everything is fine. But it is perfectly clear to others that this is not so

He smiles less when he misses you. He tries to distract himself by watching his favorite movies. But even they don't seem so good to him without you

He is looking forward to your return, already thinking up what you can do. But the main thing for him is that you come back

🕶Dave Strider x Reader 💿

Dave is too cool to show that he misses you. But inside, he really misses you

He continues to behave like a cool guy, but constantly checks his phone, hoping to see a message in which you will write to him that you are coming back earlier than planned

He draws a new issue of his comic, which he sends to you. He hopes that you will understand that the point of the comic is that he misses you. He doesn't talk about it openly. But he knows you're smart enough to figure it out

🔮Rose Lalonde x Reader ☀️

Rose understands perfectly well that the fact of longing for you is quite normal. But she can't get rid of this feeling. She misses you and is waiting for you to come back

She distracts herself with books and knitting. She knits you a scarf, thinking about you. The memories of the time spent together makes her smile

Rose calmly tolerates your separation, but when you return, she will take you in her arms. After all, no matter how hard she tries to seem calm, she misses you

🐾Jade Harley x Reader 🌌

When you are not around, Jade is very sad. She has spent most of her life alone, and she hates the time that you spend apart, although she understands that you can have your own affairs

She tries to occupy herself with anything, but usually it does not help. She continues to be sad without you. She often worries if something has happened to you. Quite often, she wanted to call or write to you, but at the last moment stops. She doesn't want you to think she's too annoying

The closer the day of your return, the more active Jade becomes. She is waiting for you to come back to hug you tightly. She hopes that the next time you need to go somewhere, you will agree to take her with you

🔫Jake English x Reader🗺

When you're not around, Jake is always in touch. He writes to you a lot, telling you how his day went, what interesting things happened, asking how your day went and if anything happened to you. He often wants to ask you if you will come back earlier,but stops. He understands that if he constantly asks you this, you will be dissatisfied

He begins to prepare in advance for your return. He understands that this may seem stupid, but he wants you to understand how much he has been waiting for your return

On the day you return, Jake will be waiting for you with a bouquet of flowers and a story about how he searched for your favorite flowers all over the island, and what enemies he fought to get. Even if you don't believe it, this story will make you smile. And your smile makes Jake the happiest in the world

🗡Dirk Strider x Reader 🪛

Dirk doesn't show that he misses you. He remains a calm and cool guy. But those who know him well can clearly see the changes in his behavior. Especially his changes are noticed by Hal

Dirk spends quite a lot of time thinking. He tries not to fill his head with thoughts about your separation. But they keep popping up in his head. He thought he was used to being alone. But as it turned out, no

When you return, he will behave as usual. But you will perfectly see his barely noticeable smile. Dirk will have enough hugs to make the longing for the time spent apart pass

😺Roxy Lalonde x Reader🍷

Roxy is very lonely without you. She does not find a place for herself and very often writes to you that she misses you. She often lies on the bed with her nose buried in your T-shirt. Your smell helps her imagine that you are near

When she couldn't write to you, she started writing to her friends, telling them how much she missed you. She needs at least someone to talk to, otherwise she will go crazy with unspoken emotions

When you come back, you are waiting for a strong hug that will last a very long time. Even if you need to go somewhere, you'll have to do it with Roxy snuggling up to you like a baby monkey. She missed you very much and doesn't want to be alone

🍰Jane Crocker x Reader🍭

Despite the fact that Jane is sad, she tries not to disturb you. She understands that you have your own affairs, and she is ready to support you if you need her help. But she's still sad without you

She accumulates her longing in herself, not wanting to create problems for others. She doesn't want to bother you, so she doesn't say anything, but there are a lot of thoughts in her head about this

On the occasion of your return, she will prepare your favorite cake. She wants to please you. After all, the fact that you have returned already pleases her. She wants you to be as happy as she is

[yan-twst]

( @crazyyanderefangirlfan (〃ω〃) here you go! since you didnt specificy any letters i did the whole thing! it is a long post so i'll put it under a read more!)

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Very strictly- Sebek has a rather particular form of showing love. Whenever he takes his darling out in public he will expect absolute perfect behaviour- no PDA, no speaking unless spoken to. However, he'll become more affectionate behind closed doors: he's still quite shy, so even just kissing or cuddling his darling is sometimes too much and he'll have to go cool off.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Not as much as one would expect. Even though he is definitely well trained and strong enough to stand his ground and his darling's, he is working for Lord Maleus- he can't have his actions sully his lord's name! However, if he accidentally snaps or gets out of hand, he might go beg Lilia for help, and the older fae will certainly make any trace of Sebek's violence disappear.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

He won't mock them, but he is so demanding and high-strung that he comes off as cruel. He expects his darling to serve Maleus too, but obey him at the same time- any time his darling fails at a task, or even worse, fail at something Maleus asked, they'll be subject to get yelled at for hours by Sebek.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

He won't touch his darling for affection if they tell him not to- however, he will absolutely order them around without much remorse. His darling is living on a tight schedule set by him, and any rupture to this structured lifestyle might earn them a lecture or a slap if Sebek is at his absolute limit.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

He is constantly trying to be the best guard for Maleus, always on guard and ready to pounce. Even though realistically Maleus doesn't expect that much from him, Sebek still feels pressured- he might cry into his darling's chest on particularly bad nights, asking for reassurance that he's doing a good job protecting Maleus and being their partner. If his darling doesn't comfort him, he won't punish them- however he'll be in an extremely bad mood all week, which is never good for anyone.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He's outraged at this behaviour! How dare his darling act out against him?! He's already too busy with school and guardinh Maleus- these actions will not be tolerated. As much as it hurts his heart, he might have to use some painful magic in order to teach his darling a lesson- although he'll definitely cry when he sees his darling in pain, it's something he must do.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

No, it's not. Sebek is quite serious about this relationship- he truly believes that all he does will help shape his darling into an ideal person, and that together they can protect Maleus. He won't tolerate any attempts to escape: after the very first one, he'll get Lilia to put any sort of ancient spell on his darling so they cannot escape. Hell, even Maleus might throw in a curse for Sebek's darling not to run away: the two ancient fae find Sebek's infatuation quite entertaining.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

If his darling ever attempted to hurt Maleus, Sebek would have no mercy in punishing them. He would have tears in his eyes as he cast painful hexes on his darling, leaving them chained up in one of Diasomnia's towers for days on end to starve and suffer under the intense magic. It's bad enough that Lilia has to be the one to put a stop to it, before Sebek caused irreversible damage to his darling's body and mind.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

He only has one goal in life, and that is to protect Maleus. He expects his darling to do the same- after all, he believes he can train them into a guard almost as perfect as him! He doesn't have concrete plans for after graduation- he does expect to marry his darling, but it's likely he'll keep by Maleus' side, so his darling better enjoy their new job!

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

It highly depends on who it is that interacts or talks with his darling. If it's people he trusts, like Lilia or Maleus (and even Silver, to an extent) he'll simply keep an eye on them while they're near his darling. Because he knows any bad action of him could bring disgrace to Maleus, he grits his teeth and bears it when he hears other students talk about his darling, although he might snap if he finds himself alone face-to-face with one of these people later.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

When it's just him and his darling, he's shokingly shy. Holding hands is enough tl send his heart into a frenzy and make his whole face red- a kiss could probably kill him. It's like that at first; he doesn't want to scare his darling, but as much as he's shy, he's also... Very, very eager. Expect makeout session when he gets random bursts of courage- although later he'll be so embarrassed he won't even look his darling in the eyes... Until he gets the urge to be close to them again...

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

Before kidnapping them, he was both very obvious and yet ignorant to his own feelings. Everyone knew he liked his darling based on how much attention he'd pay to them (and by how much he'd scold them for "trying to distract him"). When he finally has his darling to himself- aka when Maleus asks the headmaster to transfer Sebek's darling to Diasomnia (and Crowley knows better than to refuse: Maleus is too powerful to risk angering) and Sebek keeps them with him at all times- he continues this behaviour, although he already accepted he's deeply in love.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

He's much more tender than he lets on. Even though everyone knows how loud and competitive he is, nobody would guess how soft he is when he's with his beloved. Also, he's very physically needy but shy at the same time: he seeks his darling's affections but never dares vocalise what he wants. His darling better be good at reading his mood, because giving him love when he wants it is the best way to keep him a relatively tolerable partner.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

If it's a spur of the moment thing, he might slap them- however that's as much as he'd harm them in the bodily sense. He feels too bad when he physically hurts his darling, so when punishment is necessary he opts for isolation and magic. He'll read up on hexes and cursed that cause feelings of pain, but no actual bodily harm- he'll still feel incredible sad when he hears his darling scream and cry in pain wherever he locked them up, but he'll take some comfort knowing the pain they feel is "fake" and their body will be fine once the spell wears off

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

If his darling wasn't in Diasomnia before, they are now- and they share a room with him. He'll still let his darling attend to classes; however, the second a class is over they must report back to him. There isn't even any chance for them to ask for help: Sebek will absolutely go the extra mile to find any curse or spell that will force his darling to not be able to talk about their current dilemma. Aside from classes, every waking moment of his darling's time is spent with Sebek.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Not very. He's always high-strung and ready to reprimand someone for not adressing lord Maleus correctly: he has very little tolerance for mistakes or misbehaviours in his darling's part. Luckily he rarely truly "punishes" his darling: for the most part he loudly reprimands them for a couple hours.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

He would be devastated. Death, escape- whatever it was, it simply showed he failed as a lover. He'd definitely blame himself for not being careful enough- and he wouldn't be able to replace his darling, ever. He'll probably grow and marry whatever fae woman crosses his path just to get people to shut up about how he's "worryingly lonely", but he's definitely broken inside for the rest of his life.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

No? Why would he? He isn't doing anything wrong- at least that's what Lilia told him (in fact Lilia knows how messed up the whole ordeal is, but... Hey! Free entertainment for him!). Besides, he's definitely helping his darling improve by forcing them to stick to his strict schedule. They should be happy! Thanks to him they get the privileged job of watching over Maleus by his side.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

He's been training his whole life to protect his lord. There simply wasn't any room for love before, and he'd never dealt with such strong emotions. His naturally intense attitude love advice coming from an equally inexperienced Maleus and definitely malicious love advice coming from Lilia who just wanted to see how far Sebek would take it, combined with how much he discovered he enjoyed affection and praise from his darling, ended up being a mix that sealed his darling's fate.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Confusion and guilt. Is this- is this his fault? He definitely panics: he's never had to comfort someone like this in his life. He'll force his darling into bed and tuck them in, trying to confort them how he best remembers babies are comforted- however, if his darling was crying because of him, he'll probably make it even worse with all his attempts to "help".

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

His darling isn't gone from the public's eye: everyone knows very well they are currently in Diasomnia and always by Sebek's side. He isn't trying to keep his darlin for himself only- he truly doesn't mind if they have to interact with teachers during class, or if they have to be seen by classmates. His darling never goes missing: they are just always, ALWAYS, by his side.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

There's not much his darling can do to escape. Sure, his easy to fluster side would be almost too easy to exploit- if his darling took initiative and kissed him, and encouraged him to get handsy, he'd get so overwhelmed and flustered he'd have to excuse himself to "cool off" for a good while. However- because his darling is already hexed and cursed and under god knows how many tracking and entrapment spells, it's an useless endeavour.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Again, he'll never go further than a slap. He's very hesitant to hurt his darling with his hands- however he really won't hesitate to place any sort of spell to cause unbearable, writhing pain on his darling if he believes they deserve it.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Praise him too much and let him get too much confidence and suddenly he's all over his darling. He'd never admit it, but he's a bit of a pervert- he'd probably spent hours staring at his darling before, and now he can't keep his hands off them. But once he regains composure he immediately scrambles off- no! He only serves Maleus!

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

It really doesn't take long. He's never felt this way before, and his trusted seniors are telling him to just act on those dark impulses so... Why not?

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

It wouldn't be shoking. The tight schedule, the expectations, the mental torture of his punishments- his darling is bound to break eventually. Sebek would wonder why his darling's eyes are suddenly so lifeless, and why they speak so robotically- it's like they're just repeating the same words of praise to him without meaning it, barely even talking anymore. However, he doesn't mind: even though his darling isn't fit to be Maleus' guard anymore, they're still his darling- he might even feel less ashamed of affection with a darling so utterly broken!

[angeliccynthious]

h a h look at the thing I did- All the vessels + Grimmchild,, and I’ll be sort of... talking about them further below. Wowie finally using this feature-- Basically its me recapping them as characters and how they are in the AU. This is going to be a long read god I’m so sorry :<

Ghost- Ghost is the energetic one of the vessels. They just do whatever they want, they literally often do not care a lot about what they do. Ghost likes helping others, because they just wanna fix a lot of things. They like making friends, and just-- having fun. Who wouldn’t? There are rare times Ghost gets mad, and when they do- they go big Shade Lord mode. In conclusion Ghost is just a very.. chaotic.. fun-loving-- andd-- helpful baby. We love them. - But onto how they appear once more- Basically, since this AU is a mix of both the dream no more ending and as well as the embrace the void ending,, this basically has Ghost go full on shade lord in their fight with Radi. They disappear afterwards, only leaving their shell behind. They are presumed to be dead by Hornet. As described quite a bit ago (when I first talked about this AU), Ghost is just.. verryyyy angry as the Shade Lord. They finally appear in Dirtmouth, lashing out and just being a ng y. They try to attack Hornet, but no, Hollow stops them-- fighting them off even in their weak form. Eventually they are given time to run back into the home they and Hornet have been staying in to retrieve Ghosts shell. Why do they retrieve Ghosts shell? Well, because they are aware that  Shade Lord = Ghost. They just carefully lay their shell on the ground and sort of.. apologize. They do this by speaking to Ghost through void, void beings can do that right? Surely. Though eventually, Ghost calms down and accepts their shell, fitting their big Shade Lord form into their tiny shell. Then going to their siblings to... hug them.. strangely enough. Hollow would of course hug them back. Anddd-- thats that. Another thing that Ghost does is revive PK, Radi, and even get NKG up in the real world too. One more is that they too ‘revive’ their siblings Clematis (aka the Greenpath Vessel) and Beryl (Lost Kin/Broken Vessel) by getting Mask Maker to fix their shells and then they just yeeted them into the Abyss. After a moment, they go and retrieve them, and bring them to their parents so they can deal with them then. They too sort of helped Godseeker get out of the Junk Pit, because who wants to live in garbage? They do a lot of stuff. They are happy to help. Grimmchild- Ah yes, my favorite. Grimmchild in general is.. less.. childish than she was, of course she’d be less childish- She’s an adult. She has more sense than she used to, she’s much smarter, though still retains those silly aspects of hers. She’s rather protective, over Ghost mostly, and usually is always with and around them. best friends for life. She’s the one who generally calms Ghost down when they get angry. - Alrighty, so-- After Ghost presumably had died, Grimmchild was very sad, quite sad. She usually sought out Hornet or Hollow for comfort, but generally it was Hollow who’d give her pats and let her lay on their head. Hornet on the other hand, was quite busy,, doing Hornet things of course :> When Ghost returned, and was brought back to the house- oh-- what did Grimmchild do? Well, she literally tackled them to the ground in a hug (the way this bat lookin child hugs) because ‘oh my god, best friend is back, hi friend, you okay friend?’ and so on, just really happy to see them. And truly-- truly-- ever since then you can never see these two apart. How Lovely. Grimmchild has a good enough relationship with her ‘aunt’ Radi, generally it started off.. not that well but as time passed Radi decided to tolerate her (and Ghost) enough to actually be nice. Grimmchild usually seeks out Radi for advice and so on, some of the rare times that she’s away from Ghost. But when Ghost does allow her dear ol dad to actually exist in the real world (with their ultimate goddamn shade lord powers.. pff..), she’s very happy, very appreciative. Then theres the dilemma of her taking on the name ‘Grimm’ and her fathers name too basically being Grimm. She just calls him dad but usually they get confused on which Grimm someone is calling for. Silly. Clematis- Okie dokie, third one! and its the precious short baby, Clematis. Aka of course.. the Greenpath vessel. Clematis is a very meek fellow, and they generally like and appreciate being alone. They do sometimes like company, but peace and quiet is better than that. It’s quite obvious here, Clematis is not very social. They are not very skilled at socializing but a certain someone is gonna help em. - As stated before, yeah, Clematis gets basically revived alongside Beryl and given to PK and WL so they can properly take care of their goddamn kids. Even then, Clematis often hid in places that gave them such peace and quiet that they’d fall asleep there. It’d take a long while to find them. They are somewhat close with their mother, since she’d often take them to garden with her when they weren’t hiding. They formed a somewhat bond with Beryl, but Beryl eventually pushed them away because of how damn mean they are. Bad Beryl. Later in life, when Clematis is an.. adult? sure, they’ve reached their own prime form. Very short though for a vessel. By then, they are living alone in Greenpath. Somehow someway, they come to befriend the oh so lovely Lace, who’s just been seeking out someone who does not absolutely dislike her. The two become friends, and she just comes by often to have this one person who understands where she’s coming from. Both were very lonely, now they besties. And now, a fun fact, those flowers decorated them and their moss collar are clematis flowers. They generally are quite pretty. And oh-- Clematis likes to grow flowers as they did back in Queens Gardens with their mama. Beryl- Beryl! I love them, but god are they mean. As said, Beryl is.. quite mean,, quite stubborn. They feel as if they don’t need anyone, just preferring to do things their way. They don’t really like their family at all, and show it by once more- being a big ol bitch. Strangely enough though, the only person in their family they aren’t..really...that mean to-- is Lil Lady. Their littlest sister. They actually are nicer to her, one of the only moments they are gentle and nice are when they interacted with her. Sometimes, they are actually nicer to other people as well. That rarely happens though. - Yada yada- even when they are being taken care of by their parents they dislike them. PK is a bit distant as always, WL tries to give them love but they say no. They don’t want anything from these people. Since they already did grow a bit beforehand, they are the first out of the two revived siblings to reach their prime form. They once were nicer to Clematis, now the two barely interact. It’s kinda sad. (It’s not fully Beryl’s fault, Clematis just barely interacts with people anymore) During this time, a young Lil Lady gave them the ‘necklace’ that they still do wear to this day. They are sometimes teased for it. (Their little sister made it for them, don’t j ud g e) Beryl generally likes fighting, its very fun for them. So when Hornet asked them if they would like to be one of her knights, they ‘happily’ obliged. Then being one of her knights, they are constantly told off by Hollow, who’s one of her other knights because they don’t like to listen to orders. And they often get into little fights with Lace, who too is a knight of Hornets, because oh my lets step on the shortest one who you never agree with. Either way, Beryl isn’t totally terrible- but they never planned on listening to their parents when they tried to teach them to do better. Even though they are a bitch, their fellow knights (and family) will come to their aid if they need it. Hollow- FINALLY- the last one. Oh my god...I’m mostly taking this from the recent post I did about Hollow and their own reference. Hehe. Hollow is a very gentle vessel, and too is protective, mostly over their family. They have a deep care for those who they are related to, of course of course. They too hold deep respect for their parents, and for the most part, is somewhat ‘closer’ to PK, due to the fact he was the one who mostly.. raised them back then. They still are close with their mother of course. They are very friendly, but not as friendly as Ghost. More reserved?? sure. They are the one who usually keeps their fellow knights in check. - It all starts off with Hornet finding them strangely alive after the black egg is no more, and her helping them get to Dirtmouth and-- get patched up. After quite a while of recovery, the whole big shade lord thing happens-- and-- Hollow sees it fit to apologize to Ghost for everything, for leaving them to fall back into the Abyss. They are happy that Ghost accepts their apology and literally carries them back into the house. How cute. Afterwards, Hornet decides to finally take these two to see the White Lady. Oh at last, Hollow gets to face their mother. And so, they do. The moment is... quite emotional for the poor bean. They feel so guilty, that they weren’t truly empty, and WL reassures them with the notion that it was not them who failed their parents, it was their parents who failed them. She’s going to actually try to be a proper mother.. huh.. finally. And so, Hornet leaves Hollow with WL, Ghost coming along with her because they too feel as if those two deserve some time to fix things a bit. Ah, and once more-- a bit of a timeskip. Hollow has been living quite well with their mother, with her having unbound herself and gaining some of her sight back, enough that she is able to walk around without bumping into anything lmao. They get along quite well. When Ghost brings PK around, and Hornet finally drags him to Queens Gardens-- another emotional moment for Hollow. They go and embrace their father and wont let go until he asks them too..they’re just too damn happy to see him, though there is still that guilt of them failing him. PK himself is guilty. Then from that, and PK’s reunion with WL, they live.. quite happily, quite comfortably, and Hollow accepts their two siblings whenever Ghost is to bring them around. They are generally pleasant to their smaller sibs. But oh,, when their newest sibling finally arrives- Lil Lady- OH GOD- are they a loving big big sibling. They sort of,, cared for her a lot, and whenever PK and WL needed a break? They were there. Of course, they are a good influence on her, and Beryl is the bad influence. Though in general they have spent much more time with their little sister than Beryl has. Soon enough, when Hornet finally ascends to the throne, Hollow too is requested to be one of her knights, and of course they’d accept. This is their sister here. Whenever she is to need help, they help, and whenever their fellow knights need help, they are there. They feel useful like this, and Hornet does greatly appreciate their company and how they can easily split up Lace and Beryl from their constant fights. They’re truly an older sibling, scolding those two. And lastly, the whole Radi thing. I did explain this in that post about Hollow- but I’ll say it here too. Hollow wanted closure for everything, so they’ve gone and forgiven most people who have.. hurt them? yeah. This includes Radi. Radi doesn’t really want to be forgiven, she knows she did horrible things, and she isn’t the most guilty about them. But either way, they forgive her, and they somewhat become.. acquaintances?? friends?? They don’t really know. She’s just not as mean as she was to them before.. OH GOD- AND IM DONE AAAAAAAA This is a whole mess I tried my be s t whoever has read this whole thing, I thank you for reading my bullshit.

[lassieposting]

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get Doctor Nye and the Grotesquery into a relationship. Can even you manage a task this monumentally weird? Who knows, let's see.

oh my god this ask solidly fucked me up, i sat staring at it for a good like ten minutes just silently mouthing “what the fuck anon? what the fuck”

but! i shall not be defeated so [cracks knuckles] ta-da! not a romantic ship, because i don't think crenga actually understand sex or romance, but as much of a friendship as a twisted nonhuman psychopath and a dead thing are capable of:

I’m bored, so. Send me two (or more) characters for a headcanon on how I’d have them get together

so. we don’t know much about crenga, but we do know three things:

crenga reproduce asexually: bits of them drop off and grow into new crenga. this means that there's no reason for them to have evolved sex, or romance. in fact there's no reason for them to have evolved much of a social instinct at all - at their size, they'd have almost no natural predators, so it wouldn't be a "safety in numbers" thing either, and since there are no monsters resembling crenga in mortal folklore, we can assume they've historically taken an "avoid" approach to humanity rather than hunting or becoming hunted by them

there used to be colonies of crenga centuries ago: so these creatures, with no need for a social structure to facilitate reproduction, used to live in colonies. despite this, the two crenga we actually meet - mantis and nye - both seem to be entirely solitary beings with no urge to seek out the company of their own kind, and no real inclination to packbond with humans or other living things. they don't seem to get lonely. which...would kind of suggest that their living in colonies is actually driven by necessity, probably because as human populations exploded, the crenga withdrew to protect themselves, and eventually they ran out of space to run. so they're all forced into the same small spaces and had to learn to deal with being in each other's space all the time. it's not a natural state for them.

crenga have been "hovering on the edge of extinction" for as long as anyone can remember: and? why? what's hunting them? these things are like 12+ feet tall as adults, unless they're picking fights with moose or some shit, they're not gonna be threatened by much. so my theory is that, due to being forced into close quarters with all the other crenga, they're actually killing each other and some of the bits that get dropped are turning into young crenga.

so. we have nye, who at some point leaves the crenga colony, becomes a doctor, and joins up with mevolent. it gets used to being constantly surrounded by people. mevolent gives it all the tools and protection and assistance it needs to do its experiments, and it has its own state-of-the-art lab in mevolent's castle, so it learns to tolerate the constant intrusion of the people helping it.

when vengeous is first told he has to find a way to resurrect the remains of a faceless one, the first thing he does is bring it to nye. vengeous is a soldier, not a scientist. so nye gets given this massive torso and starts researching how to bring it back to life. it kills a few captives and tests hypotheses on them, but it can't figure out how to bring back the rest of the faceless one from just a torso. no, it doesn't think anyone else could do it either. no, not even with vile's armour.

so vengeous decides to create the grotesquery. and nye gets that task as well - vengeous hunts down the creature parts to attach, but nye is the one who stitches it together. and at that point in its life, the grotesquery is nye's most ambitious project. it not only has to attach all the parts - which means stitching hundreds of arteries, ligaments, etc - but it has to cook up the right proteins and cells and whatnot to give this thing a bespoke immune system, so its body doesn't just turn on all the foreign body parts. It has to attach its brain so that all the impulses and electrical signals go to the right place. nye is in its fucking element right now

of course, it's also doing other experiments at the same time. when the grotesquery isn't its main focus, nye props it up against the wall out of the way and just sort of leaves it there until the next time it wants to work on it. but there's only so much it can do at a time - there are gaps of many years where it's done all it can on the grotesquery, and it can't do anything else until vengeous comes back with the heart of a cú gealach, or a helaquin stinger. and the grotesquery is very large, and takes up a lot of space, so it gets in the way. eventually, when vengeous hits a dead end and realises he can't do anything with the grotesquery without ancient blood, nye has it moved to a warehouse to free up space in its lab, and for a while, it's forgotten about

and then mevolent is killed. suddenly nye's protector is gone, and it knows the enemy will be coming for its head. nefarian serpine has surrendered, and there are rumours that he'll be pardoned for it, vengeous is locked up in russia, the diablerie are slated to be thinking of following serpine's lead, and nye tortured, experimented on and mutilated sanctuary soldiers during the war; there's nobody to keep it safe from retribution. it flees the castle, and goes into hiding in one of its warehouses. it makes a deal with the dullahan, and starts investigating the whereabouts of the soul.

while it's there, it rediscovers the grotesquery, stashed among all the other dead bodies.

and? by this point, nye is used to having company. we've seen from its scenes with valkyrie that it likes to talk while it works. it even makes jokes. so, while it doesn't mind the solitude, it does kind of miss having someone to chat to. and now here is this project it used to be so proud of, which makes it a bit nostalgic, so it drags the grotesquery into its workspace and essentially uses it the same way a computer programmer uses a rubber duck. It talks through its process to the grotesquery, explains what it's doing, and realises its mistakes by hearing them spoken out loud.

it gives the grotesquery a voice, and a personality. who's going to judge it? it hasn't seen another living soul in decades - the dullahan doesn't count, because it is rude and bossy and headless. sometimes it has conversations with the grotesquery, or positions it different ways, so that it looks like it's chilling out around the room while nye works. maybe it puts the grotesquery in its spare smocks, because it might like a change of clothing.

it bonds with the grotesquery, sort of. like a favourite plushie. it is, quite possibly, the closest thing nye has ever had to a friend. when it hears baron vengeous has broken out of jail, it barely registers as being relevant to nye - those days are long gone, it's deep in its new experiment, and the sanctuary has left it alone thus far, so it sees no point in pining for the good old days when mevolent was in power. but then vengeous' goons turn up on its doorstep and say they're there for the grotesquery, and they get rough with nye when it protests, and they take the grotesquery away.

all of a sudden, nye's lab feels a bit emptier. it talks, and there's no one around to appreciate its humour. it misses having the grotesquery around. when nye hears that vengeous was able to bring the grotesquery back to life, that it fulfilled its purpose, it's delighted that it managed to create a creature that was capable of being revived - like kenspeckle when he built the desolation engine, it's the relief and satisfaction of a scientist at a job well done. but it also feels a bit sad, that the grotesquery was killed.

part of it wishes that the grotesquery could just come back and sit in its lab again and be someone to talk to while it works, and maybe really appreciate its jokes this time.

[centaurianwisdom]

Can you write a sterek wedding?

Awwwwww yiss  I can do that my friend!!

Derek was going into this blindfolded, to be quite honest. He hadn’t had much to do in the way of wedding planning, because immediately after Stiles had proposed to him, and Derek had said yes, he had started babbling about the practicalities of a wedding.

“Ok so, haaaahhhh, we are going to be married Derek, so we gotta be responsible adults now! We gotta show everyone we are ace at this adulting shit, because that’s what married people do right? They are ace at adulting?”

Derek nodded seriously. He was, however, panicking on the inside, because he couldn’t ever be credited with proper adulting, though Stiles had assured him he was getting better. Steadily.

Stiles watched him beadily. “How stoked are you about wedding planning? Honestly?” Derek sighed. He knew Stiles wanted a big wedding with all of its intricacies, because even though Stiles went through life as a deranged lunatic, he was, in fact, a highly organised deranged lunatic, and had probably planned his wedding down to the number of carnations that would grace each table at the wedding. Derek was happy to be married in the courthouse, just so he could be Stile’s in an official capacity, and Stiles his, but he couldn’t help but be charmed by Stiles’s childlike enthusiasm for his own wedding. “I’m sure I would just get in the way,” Derek muttered. Stiles softened and cupped his cheek, and rubbed his nose along Derek’s neck, scent marking him and immediately calming Derek down. “Hey, it’s your wedding and your opinions matter the most, along with mine. But if you are a bit uncomfortable with the nitty-gritty of it, why don’t you concentrate on the house you are building for us? I know you have big plans.” And did Derek mention he loves his sweet, deranged lunatic? Because he does. So much.

So fast forward two months and here they are, the day of their wedding dawning bright and sunny. The house was built and awaiting the newly-weds, and the big glade in the property served as the venue. A temporary gazebo had been erected in the middle of the glade, with orchids twining around the pillars and fairy lights strung all around it. The seats and the dining area were all in the open, as “werewolf-human weddings should bring nature into the occasion,” or at-least that’s what Lydia, Allison and Erica had done anyway. Scott and Boyd had just shrugged, calling all the contractors to set up the wedding, while Jackson, with considerable grumbling, had accompanied them to their fittings and cake tastings because he actually had good taste. Derek could feel the palpable excitement, and his heart grew ten sizes when he saw the limited number of guests, all their friends they had collected over the years, filtering into the clearing, dressed in their best clothes, all happy. He turned to Boyd, who was texting in the corner of the dressing room. “How’s Stiles?” he asked, fiddling with his bowtie nervously. “Bouncing with happiness, Erica says,” Boyd said. “He’s also obsessing if the choice of orchids was right after all.” Derek just smiled. Stiles was nervous too.

All too soon, it was time to head out to the gazebo, where the Sheriff was acting as the officiant. Derek gulped because this is it. He petted his pocket containing his vows one last time, and headed out, with Boyd accompanying him, Cora waiting for him at the altar. He reached the sheriff and shook his hand. The sheriff smiled back at him, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and whispered, “Oh, am I happy that my deviant son is getting married to a man of the law, Deputy Hale.” Derek laughed, carefree. “That’s Deputy Stilinski-Hale to you, Sheriff.” The Sheriff’s smile became wider. “Then it’s time you started calling me Dad, son,” he said, patting his shoulders briskly. Derek gulped harshly and smiled helplessly. Cora hugged him warmly and kissed his cheek. “I’m so proud of you, big brother.” Derek just pulled her in for another tight hug.

But all other thoughts rushed from his head when he saw Stiles walking towards him. Stiles’s hair was glistening in the sun, swept up from his forehead. He was wearing a beautiful custom tuxedo that highlighted his broad shoulders, his trim waist, and his slim legs. He was being escorted by Scott, whose grin rivaled the sun, and Lydia, who looked as regal as always, but her happiness was palpable. Stiles’s grin, however, was a private thing and was aimed only at Derek, which made his breath catch in his throat.

He held out his hand and it felt like all the breath vanished from his body when Stiles took his hand and came to stand in front of him, clasping both of Derek’s hands in his. The Sheriff had begun the ceremony, but Derek couldn’t hear him, eyes focused only on his beloved’s face. Stiles’s seemed to be likewise transfixed, and, oh, Derek remembered everything in a rush. The tumultuous circumstances of their meeting, how they had fallen together, comrades in trauma, and how being their constantly for each other, first through years of unending trauma, and then when they coasted through years of relative peace. And, and-

“Derek?” said a voice, shaking his shoulder. Derek shook himself from his reverie and looked around bemusedly. There were varying degrees of amusement on everyone’s faces, and Stiles smirked at him. “Whatcha thinking about there, Derek?”

“About you,” Derek said, honestly. It was quite rewarding to see Stiles blush like that.

“It’s time for you to say your vows, son,” the Sheriff prompted gently. Derek nodded, and made to take the paper out of his pocket, then hesitated. His Stiles was beaming at him, and he realized that he didn’t need to read anything out. So he took a deep breath, clasped Stiles’s hand tighter, and began.

“You know,” he said, conversationally, “I genuinely did not think I would ever be this happy.” Stiles sputtered out a laugh at that. “Stiles, when I lost my family in that fire, I felt that a large part of me had died, and I would always remain a husk of myself and that I would always burn anything I touched and I loved. I don’t know how I survived all those years of pain, and I don’t think I would have gotten out of this sane if it hadn’t been for you catching me. We had a false start, I know, and I know you barely tolerated me. But somehow my wolf always knew you were the one for me, and I wanted, believe me, I did. But how could I, when I was so damaged, so broken? I couldn’t turn you to ash either. Also, you were so achingly young, with fire in your eyes, and I did not want to be the one who put it out. So we became friends, and I was content to love you from a distance, and have the pleasure of blooming into the wonderful man you are.” Stiles lifted one of their clasped hands to his cheek and wiped away the tear that had escaped his eyes. Derek continued, “You went away to college, and here I started healing myself. To make myself worthy. Of you. I took a job, I took therapy. At first, I was doing it all for you, but you convinced me that healing myself should never be about pleasing others. But, it still is for you. Because when you came back to Beacon Hills, I felt healed enough to be able to pursue you. And the first time you kissed me and told me you loved me, my wolf howled, and I felt I had accomplished everything I ever wanted. And now, I want more. I want a family with you, a pack with you as my second. I want everything with you, Stiles, and it’s all because of you. Thank you, for giving me the courage to wish for good things for myself.” There were audible sniffles from the crowd at that. Stiles looked like he was going to break protocol and kiss him right there if Lydia hadn’t held him back with a delicate hand on his shoulders. “It’s your turn, Stiles,” she whispered.

Stiles coughed roughly to clear his throat and dramatically thumped his chest with his fist. “Sorry, I was drowning in my feels for a bit there.” Derek just held his hand tighter. “Derek, you idiot, I always wanted you too.” There was a titter from the crowd at that. “But yes, you are right. I am glad we both sorted out our priorities before we got together. I was a sad, lonely boy who used sarcasm and humor as a defense mechanism. And yes, I hated you at first. But then, as I got to know you better, I realized what a beautiful human being was hiding beneath layers and layers of sadness and anger. And believe me, I did want to be yours, so much. But then I realized that you were working on yourself, and I thought that I would let you come to me in your own time. I was happy to support you in any way I could. And when you told me you loved me and I kissed you, it was the best moment of my life. Hands down, no compare, 10/10 would recommend but I would cut down the hands of anyone who dared touch you. I love you Derek Hale, and I can’t wait to marry the shit out of you and having babies together and being a badass Pack Dad with you. I love you, Derek Stilinski-Hale.” The crowd clapped and hooted, and realizing the couple was raring to kiss each other, Scott and Boyd hurriedly put the wedding rings forward and Derek and Stiles slid them onto each other, matching platinum bonds with the triskele carved inside. And then at last, after a week of no physical contact, Derek swept Stiles into his arms and kissed him. Stiles curled around him and his arms wound his shoulders and his fingers in his hair. Derek’s hair was probably ruined, but Derek didn’t care a bit.

The rest of the wedding was a whirlwind. They were presented as Mr. and Mr. Stilinski-Hale and had to field all their enthusiastic guests. They ate and drank like they were starving while laughing at the hilarious and progressively drunker wedding toasts. They had their first dance to Ruelle’s “I Get to Love You.” It was the most memorable day of Derek’s life. In the midst of the laughter and happiness, Derek thought about his family and hoped they were happy.

Dusk had fallen, and the guests were dwindling. All the fairy lights had been switched on, and the glade looked like an enchanted fairy tale come to life. Derek and Stiles swayed under the fairy lights in the gazebo to faint music, hugging each other tightly, Stiles’s face smushed into Derek’s shoulder. Derek tilted Stiles head towards him. Oh, how beautiful he looked under the soft lights. The golden lights sparkled in his doe eyes, and Derek fell himself falling even deeper into their depths. “Hey husband,” Stiles said huskily. “I love you.”

Derek grinned dopily at that. “Hello, Mr. Stilinski-Hale. I love you too. What say we get out of here and, ah, christen our new house.”

Stiles barked out a laugh at that. “I’ve been waiting for you to say that forever.” Stiles kissed Derek sloppily on the cheek. “Married sex is going to be so awesome!”

[smallsliceoflife-blog]

Panic Attack

It was about 4:30 in the morning, I woke up drenched in sweat. I’m not sure but I may have had that dream where I was raped again. I can hardly remember my dreams. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t have blacked out that night. I just want to remember exactly what happened, even if it hurts. 

I was awake for the next hour and a half. It was 8:00 AM when I finally crawled out of bed. As soon as my feet touched the ground, the song “When I Die” by Blood Sweat and Tears started ringing through my head. I’m still convinced that it means that I’m going to die sometime very, very soon. The thoughts of suicide have been clouding my brain recently. As I aimlessly wander the streets of Downtown Beaverton, I am constantly contemplating my own mortality. Should I just slit my wrists and end all of this? Or should I stick it out in the off chance that things get better? I don’t want to die just yet, but I don’t really want to live either.

Let it be noted that as I write this, I am on the verge of another panic attack. I really, really sincerely hope that I don’t black out again. It always scares me when I’m not in control of myself or my actions.

I could’ve left the house today. But what for, so I can kill time at the library? That place is getting so boring; it seems as if I spend almost all of my time there recently. Just browsing the DVD section for new movies to watch or new books to read. Or maybe I could’ve gone to grab a bite to eat at Panda Express. I always get the same thing, Beijing Beef and Orange Chicken with a little bit of Chow Mein. Maybe I could’ve gone to the arcade at Fantasy Adult Video. That’s a good way to waste 5 dollars and kill an hour or two. Or perhaps, I could’ve went to that little pagan bookstore and bought a new obsidian stone. Or I could’ve gotten stoned and gone to the park. But it’s too late for that; I have no way to get around town unless I want to walk 45 minutes in the cold to the Max Station. I don’t have the money anyways, so it’s just a lazy day at home.

I don’t feel comfortable being here when it is just me and my stepdad. It’s not just because of the way he treated me when I was a child, although that’s part of it. But he’s just so volatile, totally unpredictable. You never know whether he’s going to be mellow and laid back or if he’s going to snap.  He used to be a lot more violent when I was a kid, now he’s just a sad old man who occasionally screams. He has dementia; he sits around all day reminiscing about the best years of his life that are long gone. Goddamn, I just get so fucking sick and tired of listening to him talk, every time he opens his mouth I want to punch a hole through his face. Even when he isn’t telling me how worthless I am.

I can’t get over what he did to me, those awful things he said about my girlfriend Jenny after she hung herself all of those years ago. The way he victim shamed me after some junkie raped me down in Albany, he said that since I like to suck dick then I am nothing more than a common prostitute and that I brought it on myself. I wish he were dead. I know it sounds awful, but every day I just wake up praying to whichever god is listening that he died in his sleep.

I’m 26 and I live in fear of him, I’m 26 and I live at home with my mom. It’s been tough ever since Destiny broke up with me and kicked me out on my ass. That’s how I got here.  Five long years and she don’t even want to remain friends. I think that’s what hurts the most. It’s not the fact that she turned my life upside down by booting me out. It’s not the fact that I spent 6 months living in a meth-house with a bunch of drug addicts because I couldn’t afford to get better roommates, It’s not the fact that she only gave me a month to find a place even though my name is still on the lease for the old apartment that we shared for the final year of our troubled relationship and legally she had no right to kick me out. It’s not even the fact that her roommate talks all of this shit about me behind my back and she does too.. It’s the fact that she just tossed me aside as if I don’t matter.  And now that I’ve hit rock bottom she can’t be bothered to talk to me and help me out. I need support, emotional support that nobody on this planet except for one person but he’s too busy to talk recently. It’s just as well. I feel lonely; my life has devolved into nothing but an endless string of boring, pointless yet stress filled, days. So that is why I started this blog, to vent my frustrations and anger.  I live in purgatory; my life remains static while everyone else is getting ahead and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m nearing 30 and I still don’t have my GED but at least I’m working on it. I still don’t have a car, I’m unemployed although I’m looking for work but nobody will hire me. I could get another job as a dishwasher or a busboy. It’s about all that I’m qualified for. As of right now I live on SSI. I have schizophrenia, I often hallucinate. Every time I walk into a room I hear voices belonging to the people around me. Their lips aren’t moving but I can hear them loud and clear. The message they’re sending me is that I’m not welcome anywhere.  

Instead of spending my nights drinking heavily and smoking pot I wish I could just be sober. But why should I? I can barely tolerate the people around me as it is. Hell, I can barely tolerate life and all of the absurdity that it throws my way. But that’s enough whining for today. I’m going to jerk off and watch a movie, maybe go back to sleep, until I feel up to living this sad excuse for a life again.

[snarkybluechristian]

Hazbin Hotel: Satan’s Plan Part 8 (Collab with Dinobot King)

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The room’s walls were colored pink with glitter almost everywhere.  There were chairs arranged in a circle with a red rug covering the floor.  

From what Sir Pentious could see, the crowd was diverse.

There was a small, chubby dark-skinned female demon with black eyes with hot pink pupils wearing a short purple dress and a purple necklace who was eating from a box of donuts.

There was a gray-blue-skinned demon with dark blue fins on the side of his face and running along his spine until it reached the angler fish lure on the top of his head wearing a blue lab coat, black gloves, and black boots who was sitting shyly alone in his chair.

Then finally, there was a white dog demon covered in black spots with a black leg, ears pierced multiple times, yellow and red eyes, and blond and pink hair wearing a spiked dog collar, a pink dress with a skull on it, black fingerless gloves, and a black short-sleeved jacket who was curled up sleeping on the floor in the center of the circle.

“Crymini, wake up!” Vaggie yelled.

“Dammit, woman,” Crymini groaned groggily as she woke up.  “What’s your deal?”

“Hey, kid, you do not give me back sass!” Vaggie retorted.

“For the last time, I died when I was 19,” Crymini growled getting in her face.  “I am not a kid.”

“Ladies, please, let’s calm down,” Charlie said as she pulled a reluctant Sir Pentious into the room behind her.

“It’s not my fault this bitch was being rude,” Vaggie replied irritably before she noticed the tall snake demon being pulled into the room behind Charlie.  

“What is he doing here?” Vaggie asked defensively.  

“Well, you’re not particularly welcoming,” Sir Pentious said as Charlie let go of his hands and he crossed his arms defensively.  “I thought this was supposed to be a rehab center.”

“Hey!” Vaggie retorted.  “I don’t tell you how to do your job!”

“Alright, Vaggie,” Charlie said in a calm tone in an effort to calm everyone down before she started speaking up to begin the meeting.  “How about we get this meeting started?  Hello, everyone!  This is the Happy Hotel’s newest patient, Sir Pentious!  Woo!”

Sir Pentious glanced at the group and rolled his eyes at them.

“Hello, Pentious,” Angel said swinging the door open and shutting it behind him.  

“What are you doing here, Dust?” Sir Pentious hissed.

“Sir Pentious, he’s part of the group, too,” Charlie said calmly.

“So, what did I miss?” Angel asked as he slid into his chair.  “Did Sir Pentious bear his soul yet?”

“You were almost late,” Vaggie chided quietly sitting herself in a chair beside him.  “What the hell were you doing?”

“Relax, doll,” Angel said.  “I merely had some personal business to attend to.  So, what’s on the agenda today?”

“Our new member was just introducing himself, but it seems that you two already know each other,” Mimzy said sliding her box under her chair.

“Everyone knows who he is,” Baxter chimed in as he sipped from a cup of water.  “Aren’t you the snake demon who’s always trying to take over hell?  What are you doing here?”

“Yeah, did the incident with Cherri Bomb finally make you quit or somethin’?” Crymini asked sitting back in her chair and scratching her ear.

Sir Pentious crossed his arms defensively and said sarcastically, “Hello, fellow scum of the earth.  I look forward to avoiding all of you as much as possible.”

“Well, bud, looks like someone didn’t get the memo,” Angel quipped.  “This is a no bullying zone, so if you have a problem with us, I suggest you pack your bags and scram.”

Vaggie smirked while Charlie facepalmed in frustration.  

“Ok, Angel, that’s enough,” Charlie said bringing the group back to focus and sliding into her chair.  “Alright, Sir Pentious, would you like to tell us the story of your life?”

“Don’t be absurd,” Sir Pentious retorted.  “It’s none of your business.”

“Why?” Charlie asked.  “Does it have anything to do with why you’re constantly trying to take over hell?”

“God, how long is this session?” Sir Pentious responded with annoyance.

“As long as you make it,” Vaggie retorted.

“Okay, fine,” Sir Pentious said sarcastically.  “I lived in London.  I wanted to be king, but the royals said no and I drank myself to death.  There, happy now?  I’m going back to my room.  I need to talk to my Egg Bois…”

Sir Pentious tried to get up from his chair, but Charlie grabbed his tail and forced him to sit back down.

“Sir Pentious, you have to be honest with yourself and everyone else to achieve redemption,” Charlie said getting back into her chair.  “You have to get in touch with what it is that is making you depressed, sad, or angry.”

“I don’t want to and you can’t make me,” Sir Pentious said rising from his chair again.  “I’ll achieve redemption on my own…”

“No, you don’t, mister,” Charlie said pushing Sir Pentious back onto the chair and handcuffing his left hand to the chair he was sitting on.

“Hey!” Angel complained.  “I told ya to stay out of my stash, Charlie!”

“Bloody hell, woman!” Sir Pentious shouted.  “What in the hell is wrong with you?  Uncuff me this instant!”

“No way!” Charlie said getting close enough for him to see her clipboard.  “Not until you start talking about your life!”

“I don’t have to say anything,” Sir Pentious said turning away.

Vaggie twitched her eyes, growled, got in his face, and yelled, “Come on!  You came here because you wanted to be rehabilitated.  So, what is it?  Why do you want to be the Devil?”

“Vaggie, get out of his face!” Charlie pleaded.

Sir Pentious glared and Vaggie reluctantly backed down as Angel said, “It really ain’t that hard, snake.  What is eating you?  Mommy issues?  Daddy issues?  Were you lonely?  Were you poor?  Were you a user?  Or, was it something else entirely?”

“Angel…” Charlie pleaded as Angel lit a cigarette.

Sir Pentious’ glare intensified as Angel kept goading, “You know what I think?  I think you had it easy in your life.  I think you always got everything you wanted in life and when you died you had to work like the rest of us and couldn’t stand it.  And now that you can’t get what you want here, you want to make amends with God so you can move on to Paradise and have it easy again.  Typical.  I could never stand rich bastards like you who had it easy.  No offense to you, Charlie.  You’re different.  You’re trying to do something.  People like Pentious here don’t give a shit.  Try to tell me I’m wrong.”

Sir Pentious scoffed and hissed, “What are you talking about?!  I know what your family was!  We’re cut from the same cloth, ya bloody hypocrite!”

“I left those bastards long ago,” Angel argued back before taking a drag from his cigarette.  “What’s your excuse?”

“THEY NEVER GAVE ME WHAT I DESERVED!” Sir Pentious finally screamed.  “I WAS TORMENTED AND REJECTED BY EVERYONE!  I WORKED HARDER THAN THEY DID AND WAS BARELY TOLERATED!  WHEN YOU WERE ALIVE, YOU HAD ACCEPTANCE AND SOCIAL STANDING!  I WAS REJECTED BY OWN BLOOD RELATIVES AND MY OWN SOCIETY ALL BECAUSE I WAS A ‘HALF-BREED!’”

Everyone went silent except Angel who asked, “What the hell does that mean?”

“That means that unlike you I’m not white,” Sir Pentious hissed more quietly.  “I’m only half-English.  The other half comes from India, from my mother’s people.”

Sir Pentious noticed the clipboard that Charlie had placed on the ground.  He used his hat to signal to his Egg Bois to pick it up while a flood of restored memories started flowing his way.

“Uh, Sir Pentious, do you care to expand on that?” Charlie asked.

Sir Pentious looked at her and felt the kindness behind her voice.  It touched him.

So, Sir Pentious began his tale, “My father was the child of a wealthy English inventor who along with his wife was radically Christian and progressive for his time.  My mother was the daughter of Indian merchants who were like-minded.  When my father moved with his parents to India, he fell in love with that daughter.  My grandparents were close friends and approved of their union without hesitation.  Soon after that, I was born.  My skin was lighter because of my father, but I looked very much like my mother.  I had brown skin, black hair, and steely brown-gray eyes just like hers, just like a cobra’s.  That’s what they would all say.  I grew up in India knowing the values of the West and the East.  I had grandparents and parents who loved me and my many cousins on my mother’s side to play with.  I was never considered different from any of them.  I was loved, and I was happy.  They all shielded me from the world’s prejudice.  My grandparents both died happy.  My father was happy too until my mother died.  She fell ill during her pregnancy with my younger sibling.  I was only nine, and from then on, everything went straight to hell…”

Sir Pentious was surprised to see tears falling down his face.  Charlie walked away from her chair and wrapped an arm around Sir Pentious.  The Egg Bois continued sneaking towards the chair, but Sir Pentious was too lost in his memories to notice.  

“My grandfather’s business partners forced my father to return to the homeland.  He didn’t want to, but his kind and gentle heart was heartbroken and he didn’t have the strength to keep resisting.  So, we both returned to London.

“Upon our arrival to London, his biological family refused to acknowledge me.  They couldn’t bear the fact that my father had married an Indian woman, so he rejected them.  My father was a true Christian man whose progressive values made him an outcast, but we were not alone.  My father had a spiritual family in the church he grew up in.  They were all radicals who were as progressive as my father if not more and were also considered outcasts in their own families.  They were the righteous people who campaigned for justice locally and abroad.  They ran organizations to help the poor.  They sponsored abolitionists.  They even campaigned for women’s suffrage.  They loved their neighbors as themselves, and they accepted us without a second thought.

“My father and his friends protected me as much as they could.  They raised me as much as he did.  They all taught me many things, including how to play the organ, and gave me a loving environment, but even so, I knew I was an outcast.  I could see it in the glances of passersby when we were out in public.  I could hear it in the comments others made.  I could feel it in our small insular world.  My holy family always stood up for me.  My father encouraged me and taught me how to stand strong.  He even kept up correspondence with my family in India for me.  We went to visit them whenever we were on holiday to escape, but it all wasn’t enough.  I could still feel the hatred of the world I grew up in…”

Every single misfit was focused on Sir Pentious’ story.  Not even Vaggie noticed when one Egg Boi picked up the documents while the other Egg Boi took pictures on his smart phone.

“Then when I was old enough to go to boarding school, I felt that hatred in its full force,” Sir Pentious continued.  “Without guardians to protect me, the school tore me apart.  They housed me in a room by myself as if I were some sort of animal.  The other students bullied me mercilessly.  They stole my possessions.  They mocked me relentlessly.  They called me a ‘half-breed’ and tormented me daily.  None of the adults did anything to make it stop.  They punished me whenever I spoke up against it.  They joined in the bullying.  I constantly received harsh punishments for minor infractions and rules I didn’t break.  They accused me of cheating because they could never believe that a ‘half-breed’ could be more intelligent than any other white student.  They marked my grades as low as they could get away with for the slightest error.  The only one who was kind to me there was the colored groundskeeper who defended me whenever he could.  I tried to stay strong and keep my torment a secret from my father and his friends.  I excelled in my studies despite their best efforts, but the bullying only grew worse until one day the aggression got physical.  

“The strongest players from my school’s rugby team were plastered.  I was walking back to my dormitory room after studying in the library all evening.  They found me and beat me within an inch of my life.  They left me beaten and bruised and almost too hurt to move.  The groundskeeper found me, got me help, and stayed with me at the hospital while my father was called for.  If I was found any later, I would have died due to the severity of my injuries.

“When my father arrived, I told him everything.  He was furious.  He brought multiple lawsuits against the school and brought criminal charges against the people who beat me and left me for dead.  His lawyer friends helped him as much as they could, but ultimately, the school had friends in higher places.  They forced my father to agree to a settlement and those bastards who almost killed me never faced a single disciplinary action…”

Sir Pentious’ frill spread out and he started shaking in fury at the restored memories.  

“I left that school and started attending classes in another college while living at home and apprenticing under my father.  My father and his godly friends counseled me as much as they could, but I couldn’t let go of my anger or my hate.  Their cruelty had poisoned me, but it had destroyed my father more than I ever knew.  He slipped into a depression that neither I or his friends could counsel him out of.  When I graduated, we worked together making inventions and bonded more closely than ever.  I thought he was getting better, but one morning, I found him dead.  He had drunk himself to death.  It turned out that he had been drinking for a long time.  The world had broken his heart.

“In his will, my father left everything to me.  During his funeral, all his friends of the church, much of my mother’s family, and even the groundskeeper came to bid him farewell, to mourn with me, and to comfort me in my time of sorrow.  Many of them even accompanied me to take his ashes to India.  But no one in my father’s family came.  Not a single person would even approach me or acknowledge my existence or pay tribute to my father.  And for what?  All because he had fallen in love with an Indian woman…”

Sir Pentious started shedding angry tears and his voice raised in his fury as he continued, “That was the straw that broke the camels back.  I realized then that the world was a horrid place where the good and the righteous like my father and his friends couldn’t triumph because of the corrupt, racist, unjust, and white-washed vermin who crushed anyone who dared to defy their corruption!  That world had broken my kind and gentle-hearted father because he refused to abandon me, so I decided that I would break it back!  I could no longer turn the other cheek!  I had to destroy the world that destroyed my poor father and me so that good men could triumph!

“So, instead of returning to India to live with my mother’s family away from the prejudice of England, I stayed behind and became a villain.  I created inventions that I sold for profit to fund underground terrorists the world over.  Anarchists.  The Irish Republican Army.  The freedom fighters among my mother’s people.  Extreme abolitionists.  All of them came to me and relied on my funding and eventually my inventions to help their causes, and I was glad to give it.  I saved my assistant Toulouse from a workhouse and got his help going even further.  I began carrying out terroristic missions myself.  I let my black hair grow long enough to flow down my back like a hood.  The survivors started calling me ‘the serpent’ in all the newspapers, so that’s who I became.  ‘The serpent,’ the karmic snake in the grass that would carry out God’s wrath and rebalance the world!”

Tears flooded Sir Pentious’ eyes as he stared at the floor and relived his restored memories once again.  The Egg Bois took the last of their pictures, slid the clipboard back under the chair, and gave a thumbs up to their boss.  The hat saw it, but Sir Pentious didn’t respond.

“I didn’t get what I wanted,” Sir Pentious sobbed.  “I got vengeance, but I didn’t see my work completed.  I contracted tuberculosis at the age of 48.  I died in my sick bed with Toulouse right beside me.  It was so unfair…”

Charlie walked over to Sir Pentious, gave him a big hug, and said, “It’s okay, Sir Pentious.  Just let it out.”

And for a few minutes, that’s just what he did.

All the misfits sat in silence except for Angel who finally broke the silence and said, “That explains why you’re obsessed with takin’ over hell…”

“Angel!” Vaggie snapped.

“What?” Angel replied.  “It does.  He wants to take over hell so he can finish his work of bringing down those who make the world a shitty place.  It makes sense.”

“He’s not wrong,” Crymini chimed in scratching her ear with her back leg.

The two Egg Bois scampered onto their boss’ lap and gave him the biggest hugs they could.

“You’re going to be just fine, boss,” Austen said.

“Yeah,” Thrys agreed.

Sir Pentious smiled as conflicting emotions rose inside him and rested in his chest.  On one hand, he felt relief at sharing his story.  On the other hand, Sir Pentious felt the same odd emotion that he had felt when he saw Delilah that morning.  Guilt.  He had just distracted them so his Egg Bois could steal their information…

“That was a wonderful share, Sir Pentious,” Charlie said finally letting go of him.

“Thanks,” Sir Pentious replied genuinely.  “Could you take the handcuffs off now?”

“Oh, yeah, of course,” Charlie said digging the key out of her pocket and unlocking the handcuff around Sir Pentious’ wrist.

“I’ll be taking that back,” Angel said in annoyance as he unlocked the handcuffs off the chair and stuffed them in his pocket.  “Say, Sir Pentious, where did those eggs come from?”

“Huh?” Thrys asked.  “What do you mean?”

“I think he’s asking where you guys came from and how you know Sir Pentious,” Charlie said.

“Oh,” Austen replied.  “Well, the only one of us who knows that story completely is Toulouse.  All we have our bits and pieces of his memories.  Only the original has every memory, so you’d have to ask our boss.”

“Well?” Angel asked curiously.  

“If you must know, I found Toulouse when I was searching my local workhouse for an assistant,” Sir Pentious replied.  “Ordinarily, anyone else would have just taken out an ad in the newspaper, but I knew that very few employees would be willing to take orders from a ‘half-breed,’ especially in London.  So, I searched the workhouse instead for someone I knew would be grateful to serve me.  That is when I met Toulouse.

“Toulouse was the only child of two French farmers.  Their farm failed when his father died of illness, and his naïve mother thought they’d have a better chance of starting over in London.  But they ended up in the workhouse instead.

“Those workhouse bastards were beyond cruel to him. Toulouse was a French immigrant who only came there to save the life of his sick mother and had no idea what he was getting into. He was only 15. He couldn't have. He didn't speak a word of English.

“The moment his mother died, he was taken back to be forcefully bathed, had his clothes taken from him, was placed in a uniform, locked away, and given a number. Number 22. He had to hide his few possessions so they wouldn't be taken from him and sold. They put him in the mentally ill ward of the workhouse with other maniacs because he was slow, depressed, and too frightened to speak.

“Modern medical literature would describe Toulouse's mental condition as a mix of high-functioning autism and attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder, but back then, the doctors simply described him as a mentally deficient imbecile. It was horrible. I can't imagine how scared he must have been or how horribly those calloused monsters must have treated him.

“He slept on straw beds and ate rationed food. Toulouse was starved and isolated fairly often because he taught himself how to pick locks and frequently tried to escape that prison. Can you blame him?  They put him through hell.  Those monsters didn't do anything to comfort him or help him. They embezzled much of the money used to help the inmates and cut corners whenever they could!

“The day I came, Toulouse was trying to run away in a straitjacket. They were sending him to an institution so that their colleagues would receive more government money and they wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. It made me sick. I had to do something.

“So, I gave them a bigger bribe to let me take Toulouse in myself. He was in such bad shape. He was starved, scared almost to the point of mania, and unbelievably lacking in social graces. I was the only one who could speak to him or calm him down since I learned French in school and practiced it regularly in business.  I had to teach him how to read, write, and speak in English. I had to teach him how to behave in formal company. I had to practically raise him. But Toulouse surprised me. He learned pretty readily. He was not stupid or mentally deficient after all. He only needed guidance, a steady hand, and a structured yet nurturing environment and he prospered. Wish I could say the same of his clones...”

“So, you’re a kinder person than you seem,” Angel said with a smile.

“No,” Sir Pentious said defensively.  “I knew he’d be the perfect assistant…”

“Your Eggheads don’t look like perfect assistants to me,” Angel retorted.  “Admit it.  You did it out of the kindness of your heart.  You became the kid’s family and he devoted his life to you, like a son.”

“Awwwww!” the Egg Bois said hugging their boss more closely.

“So, what if I did?” Sir Pentious retorted.  “They were going to send a mentally disordered but perfectly capable young man to prison!  It would have been a waste!”

“Whatever you say,” Angel said.  “Ya big softie!”

Sir Pentious only glared at Angel for a moment before he returned to his own thoughts.

“Alright, guys!  The meeting is over, and now…” Charlie said cheerfully grabbing her tuxedo and ripping it off to reveal a black and white bikini under it.  “It’s time to go swimming!”

Sir Pentious’ mouth dropped open in shock as all the other misfits pushed the doors open and rushed into the pool area.  Meanwhile, Austen got a call on his smartphone.

“Hey, Sir Pentious!” Charlie said cheerfully.  “Aren’t you coming?”

“Yeah, Pent-y!” Angel yelled from outside wearing nothing but his booty shorts.  “Come play with us!”

“I…uh…” Sir Pentious said searching for the right words in his embarrassment.  

“Boss,” Austen interrupted.  “It’s Toulouse.”

Sir Pentious took the phone and said, “Toulouse, what is…?  Oh, God!  I’m coming.”

“Sorry, princess,” Sir Pentious said quickly slithering backwards and trying to hide his relief.  “I have something urgent I need to take care of at home!  Cheerio!”

“Uh, okay…” Charlie said hesitantly walking outside.  “See you later.  Don’t forget curfew.”  

Sir Pentious turned around and slithered quickly out of the room with the Egg Bois riding on his tail.

“Boss, what is it?” Thrys asked.  

“Delilah’s gone,” Sir Pentious replied.  “Remind me to thank her later.”

[screams-4-memes]

Happy Suicide Prevention Day!

I'm just gonna type out my own little thing about my experiences with mental health struggles and such.

***Warning, sensitive topics will be touched on such as suicidal thoughts/attempts, self harm, etc. etc.*** I don’t get too in depth or in detail about those things, but they are at *LEAST* mentioned throughout this big ol thing. So please, don’t read if you’re easily triggered or not in a good state of mind! Love you, babes! Take care of yourselves <3

 So, I've dealt with depression and anxiety since 6th grade. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts since about 7th grade. Since a couple years before I experienced these things first hand, I've had loved ones struggle with these things. I had friends who were suicidal (one friend was a year younger than me when I was in 5th grade. Such a young age...), and one or two family members too. Here's my story. 

Since I was young, my self esteem was never a stable thing. Was never really high. I was never taught was self esteem WAS and I didn’t understand the concept of “taking care of yourself” other than the standard taking showers and drinking water. In about 6th or 7th grade, it was at one of its worst points. I didn't take care of myself. I spent too much time online and trying to make myself "useful" by taking care of others and making their problems my own. I thought it was my responsibility to make my friends happy and make sure they had no problems. If they were sad or angry, it was my fault. If they were depressed or suicidal, it was all my fault. If they self harmed or attempted suicide, my fault. I tried taking care of others to the point of my own self destruction. When I was about 12, I thought about dying a lot. I was in so much pain, I didn't know why I was still alive. But then, I beat myself up over thinking that way. I called myself a selfish, useless piece of shit that couldn't do anything. My grades weren't what I wanted them to be, either.

 Looking back, I see now that they were above average and I'm proud of my poor little depressed self of being able to do that while struggling so much, but back then, my perspective was worlds different. It wasn't good enough. **I** wasn't good enough. 

It didn't matter what anyone said - not that I had a LOT of people trying to convince my otherwise. (Don't get me wrong, there were people who loved me and told me how much they did. There just weren't many/any adults who got me any serious help or gave me constant support or guidance that a preteen needs at that already tough point in their life.) 

Every day was a struggle. I didn't want to go to school and it wasn't uncommon that I'd wake up and just cry until I had to go out the door and walk to school. I spent the entire morning WAITING for lunch when I could sit with the very, very few people I was comfortable with in my school. The only people I didn’t have to fear about excluding me or talking shit behind my back or attempting to hit me with a hockey stick in gym. (That happened once, actually. “Funny” story...)

 I knew I should have talked to an adult, like the school social worker. I was terrified for many reasons. My expectations for myself were too high. I was afraid of being a disappointment to the social worker. The social worker was such a kind and sweet lady. I looked up to her. It would have only made my mental health worse if I disappointed an adult role model and thought they would have thought less of me for my struggles. I was also terrified of her telling my parents. They would have yelled at me and ranted at me for hours STRAIGHT. It would make me want to kill myself even more.

But, the pain got unbearable. Unfortunately, I only talked to her near the end of 8th grade: my last year in that school. I told her about my struggles, or at least a sugar coated version. It was a step in the right direction. I wasn't ready to tell her I was suicidal. I didn't want her calling home to my parents. I wasn’t an adult yet, so she was legally obligated to tell them. My parents already had a bunch of things to deal with. Plus... to put it gently, I didn't think they would have done ANYTHING that would have benefitted me or anyone else in this house. I don't exactly remember any actions being taken. 

But, it was a very big first step for me. I realized that talking to someone about my feelings isn't a bad thing, although it is scary. I wasn't being a disappointment by talking to an adult about it. I wasn't being a bother or a burden. My feelings are important and will affect my future and current quality of life and health. So, high school happened. It was... stressful, although I was able to meet a lot of people like me. LGBT+, nerdy, anxious, depressed... etc. I was finally out of that small, harsh, judgemental preteen community that was middle school. The fact that high school was so much larger took a big weight off of my shoulders. Throughout my years in high school, I learned to cope with my depression and anxiety a bit better.

 Anxiety-wise, I gotta admit that freshman year and sophomore year were hell. I hid from my anxiety and constantly tried to avoid things that made me anxious, like homework and socializing. But, junior year is when I started getting out there. Getting uncomfortable and becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. I became a lot more outgoing and open with people and this has led to me becoming so much more happy. 

Although, there was an event that hit me very, very hard sophomore year. A classmate committed suicide. I knew her. But, not well. I remember noticing her and noting how pretty, outgoing, and funny she was. I really wanted to talk to her, but I thought she would be one of those popular people that would have felt really awkward talking to me. I didn't want to bother her. But then, one day, she was gone. I felt so, so much guilt. I blamed myself. I knew it wasn't my fault nor responsibility, but I knew I had the potential to talk to her. But I didn't. I knew what she was feeling to some extent. I cried so, so much. Hell, I felt guilty for even crying. I didn't even KNOW her, but I was still grieving? I beat myself up a lot. Then, somewhere between sophomore and junior year, I started getting urges to cut. I thought about how useless I thought I was. I thought about how much of I burden I might have been to people. My anxiety often convinced me that all the people I loved were only tolerating me. I thought they thought I was annoying. I thought they thought I would be lonely and soon dead without them. I thought they'd all be better off without me. 

Once, I attempted to cut myself. It didn't work. I used to scratch at my skin until little blood spots would pop up. Junior year, I started having panic attacks, too. I started realizing my different triggers for them. Something as simple as being startled can trigger a fucking panic attack TO THIS DAY. It's... frustrating. Sometimes my panic attacks get so bad that my mind goes blank and the next thing I know, I look at my wrist, it's all red and blotchy.

 But, high school wasn't just my mental health getting worse.

I had a counselor throughout my 4 years there, Mr. King. In my opinion, I thought he was the kindest, most understanding counselor out of anyone there. Freshman and sophomore year, I was a bit hesitant and scared to open up to this many I barely knew. But, I gradually opened up to him more and more. After a break up with a VERY toxic significant other, he offered to sign me out of some of my classes to just sit in the library and calm myself and relax. He said I could just chill in the counseling office at any time I needed, too. Even after being vulnerable with my struggles to him, he respected me as not only a student but as a strong young adult. That meant so, so much to me. I honestly believe he was a huge help along the way of my mental healing. He wasn't just one of those school teachers that IMMEDIATELY calls the kid's parents. He understood my situation and how dire it could have gotten. He will have my neverending gratitude for that. He supported me when I couldn't even bare sitting at a desk and listening to what a teacher had to say. 

Also, I have my friends to thank for being there for me when I was too scared to go to a counselor. They are my family. I can't count how many times I've broken down crying and they were there for me, or they knew they couldn't help me and walked me to the counselor's office. I remember the times where I was too scared to go alone, so I asked a friend if she could come with me. She did. I remember when my friend asked me how I was doing one day, and I just started crying. He hugged me. A couple people flocked around and asked what was wrong. He told them to go away and that now isn't a good time. (Bless him. Being the center of attention when you're crying IS THE WORST.) He and another friend ended up walking me to the counselor's office. My friends were there for me when I wanted to just kill myself and when I thought I was the most useless human being in the world. They were there for me when all I wanted to do was maul myself and completely dysphorm my entire body (and lemme just say, being trans + chubby doesn't help with that. At all). They became my reasons for living when I couldn't live for myself. They've taught me it's okay to not be okay. They taught me I don't NEED a reasons to feel depressed. They taught me depression is just like asthma (which, I also have. Hahaha). 

I can have all the reasons in the world to be happy, but still not be happy.

I can also have all the air in the world to breathe, and still suffocate.

That's just how my body works, and that's okay.

So, to this day, I'm still struggling. But, I'm making strides. And considering the circumstances, I'm proud of that. I've made attempts to help not only others, but also myself. Although my self esteem might not be where I want it to be, and although my depression does keep me from doing a lot of things, I've still made it this far. I used to be painfully shy to the point where I couldn't even go out of my way to compliment someone or ask someone for help or order some food from a restaurant. Now, nearly every day I'm out, I'm complimenting someone. Now, I'm asking for help or talking to someone pretty frequently when I'm not okay. Now, I AM the one taking orders! I GOT 2 JOBS THROUGHOUT MY LIFETIME. DESPITE THAT ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION. 👏 So. That's basically my story. I'm still healing and still struggling, but things have gotten significantly better over time. And yeah, sometimes it feels like I'm back at square 1 again. But hey, progress isn't straight.And neither am I. ;)

[sabrinafuadwrites]

It’s nearly the end of January and this is long overdue but here it is - the Things I Learnt in 2016 - a list I constantly updated throughout last year

1. You can be so amazing to someone, and they can still take you for granted.

2. Some people will love you so much and do wonders for you. Keep them close, do whatever it takes to never lose them.

3. Your oldest friends aren’t necessarily your best ones. They may be, but not all of them are.

4. If you have haters, don’t blame them. People will hate you, but you have to ask yourself why.

5. Put your phone away. Talk to the people around you instead of the people away from you.

6. Hope you’ll be a multibillionaire. Not only because you will live in the luxury you wish for, but because you want to give more to the people who need it.

7. Stop overthinking when people leave. You lose someone who didn’t love you as much as you loved them, and they lost someone who loved them to bits. You know who’s winning and who’s losing.

8. Maybe to a certain extent you should stop caring about what people think of you. It’s none of your business.

9. Sometimes you should put your relationships with other people above your ego. You’ll let the overthinking eat you up, and you deserve to be at peace & happy – always.

10. Make an effort to stay in someone’s life. Don’t let your ego kill your friendships. Just double, triple, quadruple text them. Just do it.

11. Stop looking for The One. Stop hoping to find him on your way to class when you’re walking alone and have your earphones in. Focus on being The One.

12. No matter what comes in life, bear in mind you’re blessed. Incredibly blessed.

13. People can’t be there for you 24/7 even if they wanted to.

14. Going out of the way and putting in 100% to make someone happy will always be worth it.

15. “But (s)he didn’t do it for me.” is not an excuse.

16. Be good to people. You know it makes you happy.

17. When people talk smack about you, ignore it. You yourself know your true intentions and if they don’t bother finding out, don’t bother stressing. At least now you know you’re relevant enough for them to care what you do.

18. Bear in mind that after everything you’ve done in your life, you deserve the world.

19. Pick yourself up when you fall. You’re independent enough.

20. Give & never hope for anything but a “thank you” and a smile.

21. Not everyone you love will love you the way you love them. You knew this when you were 15, you experienced this when you were 17, and you will remember it when you are 19.

22. Keep it low key. No one needs to know.

23. Some people might say they love you and don’t act like it. Don’t waste your time on these people. It’s easier said than done, but you don’t need toxic in your life.

24. Baby girl, you fell hard for this boy but don’t ever for one second think you need him even slightly.

25. Try your best to not let your mood affect the way you treat people. You’ll regret it.

26. You know best that you find yourself over & over again while you try to fix others. You’re doing a good job.

27. Love without limits. Without a doubt, you’ll get hurt, but only if you overthink things.

28. If you keep coming back to the same thing that hurts you, you better pray to God it’s worth breaking your own heart for.

29. He told you that you’re a strong girl. He may be your ex boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong.

30. You’re an open book but some of your pages are stuck together. It’s okay, a bit of mystery about you won’t hurt anyone.

31. Do what it takes to make other people happy. You’ll be surprised at the outcome.

32. He told you can’t count on anyone but yourself. You were right to believe him.

33. Learn to play with the cards you’re dealt with. Your father has always told you this.

34. People are always going to leave, always going to make mistakes, always going to put you through hell. It’s up to you how you want to react to it.

35. With love, comes commitment. It’s a choice.

36. No one is entitled to the best of you.

37. One of the worst things you’ve been through this year is getting so used to a pain that it no longer hurts you anymore.

38. When someone from your past tells you they miss you, they probably mean it. But you are in no way obliged to tell them the same.

39. The fact that you believe that everything happens for a reason and that most of the time it’s for the best is the reason why you constantly pull through. Faith is important.

40. If you haven’t seen a friend in a long time and can still laugh like idiots together when you finally do meet up, keep them close.

41. When you’re angry with someone, don’t become the person you’re upset with.

42. It hurts to hear someone crying and knowing that you’re the reason behind their tears. You had firsthand experience on this. It broke your heart.

43. Some people would give you every universe that ever existed when all you expected was a single moon.

44. Just because you barely talk, it doesn’t mean you can’t be there for them when they need someone.

45. You never needed him, he’s the one who needs you. You’re surrounded by amazing people who genuinely care about & love you.

46. Nothing sadder than your own teacher saying “you could have done better than this.”

47. Try your best to not be demotivated after every bullshit life has given to you. Don’t quit. Ever.

48. You have to know when it stops being okay to break your own heart. You needed to walk away, baby girl, staying wasn’t good for you. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish, or else all you’re going to do is break yourself.

49. Staying happy is the best revenge.

50. On a Thursday afternoon, you were sitting in your Economics classroom and your teacher was giving the class advice on life. She said don’t get tied down too early, go explore the world & live your life first. You’ll regret it if you settle down too quick.

51. Don’t settle for anything but the best for you. If you yourself aren’t going to believe that you deserve it, no one else would.

52. When you’re feeling a little low, surround yourself with people that love you & you love. They make you laugh over the smallest of things, even when you’re cracking on the inside. Do not give into your negative emotions.

53. When you’re going through a hard time, remember it’s a sign from God that he misses you. Go back to him, always.

54. Make time for God. Put Him above all.

55. Think about all the cells whose very existence is dedicated to keeping you alive. Never give up.

56. In the case of a broken heart, do not allow your heart to grow cold. Love endlessly.

57. How someone treats you reflects more about them than you. Relax.

58. You need to stop thinking that everyone will react to/think of everything the same way you do. It disappoints you when they don’t. Stop it.

59. Even though you would love to think otherwise, your perception of someone does not change the way they are.

60. Drop it, honey. If he’s going to take it for granted then you need to stop trying.

61. Don’t get into relationships too deep, at the end of the day the only real friend you have in life is you.

62. Quality over quantity, always.

63. One day you’re going to get exhausted of your negative feelings and you’re going to forgive. Forgive, but never should you forget.

64. If you’re as important as they tell you, they’ll show you. Actions speak much louder than words, sweetheart.

65. It’s nice to stay on good terms with your past but sometimes the past is better off left alone.

66. You are never an option.

67. Some people will be ungrateful & stupid and it’s okay. Just don’t let yourself go down to their level.

68. Never let a person’s one mistake ruin your friendship. Forgive.

69. Unless they apologise, admit their fault yet do it again & again because they know you will always forgive. Don’t let someone take advantage of you.

70. Sometimes, what it looks like is all anybody can see.

71. You can’t be holding the door for people and being mad when they don’t thank you, no one told you to hold the goddamn door in the first place.

72. It’s okay to get tired of tolerating, of accepting bullshit, of being nice.

73. If someone stops talking to you for no reason and you can’t find a reason why, you have to accept that it was just life taking its course.

74. It’s alright if you want to pretend like nothing happened and continue the friendship from where you left it. 

75. You lose some, you win some.

76. People will come to you when they’re sad, you cannot beat yourself up because you don’t know what to do or say. Sometimes the most you can do is just sit and listen.

77. It’s okay to say you’re not okay, despite the people around you telling you that they look up to you for your self confidence and contentment. 

78. The bad times don’t last.

79. The little things make you happy. Not everyone sees this side of you.

80. Family is important.

81. It’s okay to keep some things to yourself.

82. You learnt that you can be detached, you can love someone so much one day and want your space another. It’s okay. You were made that way.

83. You let someone dictate your feelings, decide your worth. This is one of your biggest regrets.

84. Buying gifts for people just because is one of your favorite things to do. It’s a win-win situation.

85. You put yourself down too much sometimes. You ARE worth it, you ARE good enough.

86. You make mistakes but you’re only human.

87. People who know you like your hot lattes at the cafes yet you love your teh ais kurang manis at the mamaks are the people who know you best.

88. There is no such thing as ‘too much free space’.

89. You like being alone but you don’t like being lonely, it’s alright.

90. There was a time towards the end of the year a lot of people you knew were getting into relationships and being sappy about it to you, it put you in a horrible mood for a while but you got over it. You decided you only felt that way because you felt like you were being left out of the whole get-into-a-relationship phase, you know yourself and you know you’d rather not.

91. There is absolutely no problem with being blunt with your feelings. 

92. Your dad always says, ‘there’s no smoke without fire’

93. Just because you’re of the same blood, it doesn’t mean you have the same principles.

94. Home to you has no address. It isn’t a space confined within four walls nor does it have two eyes and a beating heart.

95. Just because it wasn’t on social media, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

96. At the end of the year, you realised that the year 2016 was one hell of a year - be it the good and the bad. You got through it all, and you will get through all the years to come.

[junkyraty-blog]

[1kfuturesrunout-blog]

i am convinced i have narcissism and borderline personality disorder. my husband and i had a difficult discussion over the weekend. he explained that he was seriously considering dissolving our relationship because of my behavior and that he would no longer tolerate my emotional terrorism. the following day, i spent 7 hours writing about how hurt and scared i felt by what he said, how he was abusive to me and that explained why i was so emotional, and that i was totally justified in my behavior. i took a shower and while i was doing that, it hit me. that i was, in fact, the problem. that there was something wrong with having spent so much time focusing on this idea of persecution instead of genuinely listening to what he was begging me to hear. which was that i had a problem and i was sabotaging my relationship with him as well as my life in general. i am selfish and self-absorbed. i am hyper-emotionally reactive and hyper-sensitive. i misinterpret just about everything as hurtful and i feel constantly persecuted. i suffer from constant dysphoria, vulnerability, and desperation. and that is not normal or okay. that i need help. i need to learn how to listen without falling apart or blowing up. that i need to alter my thought patterns and my behavior to be less hostile and negative, and become more relaxed and positive. i want to overcome my neediness and vulnerability and terror and self-hatred. i want to learn coping skills, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and cognitive restructuring.

i am always seeking attention.

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all i seem able to do right now is focus on how hurt and scared i am. but the reason why all of this uncertainty is happening is because of how selfish, self-absorbed, and NEGATIVE i am! which is exactly what i am doing! being incredibly negative, catastrophizing, obsessing about how hurt and sad and lonely i am, obsessing over what a bad person i believe i am, obsessing over how i ruined my marriage with him.

i took a hike this afternoon. it felt good to be outside and to exercise my body. on the hike, i obsessively thought about how terrible i felt, how terrible i was, and imagining leaving Jerm, imagining that i was doing it for his sake. i began to imagine how Jacky was out to supplant me and how Jerm was purposefully and gradually separating himself from me because of what a bad person i was and because of how badly i have hurt him and ruined our relationship.

i came home and carried my thoughts and feelings with me.

I HAVE A PROBLEM! THIS IS NOT NORMAL!

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY MY MARRIAGE IS IN DANGER! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY MY HUSBAND IS SO UNHAPPY WITH ME!

BECAUSE ALL I CARE ABOUT IS MYSELF, MY FEELINGS, MY IMAGINED PERSECUTION!

BECAUSE OF HOW OBSESSIVELY, PERVASIVELY, CONSTANTLY NEGATIVE I AM!

i have spent several hours of the day looking into borderline personality disorder. feeling bad about myself and my situation and what i have done.

i have barely eaten. the only form of self-care i did was go on a hike but i sabotaged it by being negative.

MY HUSBAND IS IN CRISIS RIGHT NOW! HIS MEDICATION HAS INCREASED HIS FEELINGS OF DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY! HE FEELS HOPELESS, HELPLESS, AND SUICIDAL!

I AM NOT HELPING MY HUSBAND BY FEELING BAD ABOUT MYSELF AND WHAT I HAVE DONE TO HIM AND TO OUR RELATIONSHIP!

I CAN HELP MY HUSBAND BY BEING POSITIVE AND OPTIMISTIC! I CAN HELP MY HUSBAND BY TRULY LISTENING TO HIM AND NOT PERSONALIZING! I CAN HELP MY HUSBAND BY BEING NOTHING BUT KIND AND PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING! I CAN HELP MY HUSBAND BY BEING WARM AND INVITING AND LOVING TO HIM WHEN HE IS AROUND IN THE EVENING! I CAN HELP MY HUSBAND BY SUPPORTING HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH JACKY!

I CAN HELP MY HUSBAND BY IGNORING MY VULNERABILITY AND NEEDINESS AND NEGATIVITY!

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i want to take this vulnerability and neediness that i have that stems from BPD, that is enflamed by my consensual non-monogamous relationship with Jerm, and use it to try to heal myself.

i want to take a close look at my abandonment issues

i want to be self-sufficient

i want to choose to be in a relationship out of love, rather than out of dependency or fear

i feel like i have already learned a lot about honesty and open communication.

i certainly need to learn how to not personalize or catastrophize, how to manage my emotions and learn coping skills for when my emotions get the best of me. i need to learn how to manage my thoughts and ideas into healthy patterns.

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For folks whose style includes borderline personality ways of interacting, the first arena for growth is to develop new attitudes toward anger. If you don't want to fall into the borderline diagnostic basket, learn to step out and calm down instead of blowing up.  Beware too of getting too mad at yourself, which will produce depression.

Learn to stay in the calm zone.

Anger creates relationships based on coercion, not love or cooperation.

If you erupt often into anger, probably you believe that it's because you are the victim.  "I've been hurt so I have a right to hurt you back," is a core bpd belief.  Alas, it's a belief that can lull you into inability to sustain positive gratifying relationships.

Replace anger interactions with development of exit and self-soothing routines.  Learn to recognize early cues that indicate it's time to remove yourself from a situation you can't handle.  Remove yourself like a pot from a stove.  Calm down.  Return to the dialogue when you feel calm enough to stay calm and collaborative.

Frequent anger outbursts are totally incompatible with mature relationships.

The key antidote to narcissism is to train yourself to take others' perspectives seriously. Learn the art and skills of listening, a topic I write about in an earlier PT posting.  Retrain yourself to ask others what they think and feel.  Seek to understand and become responsive to others' concerns when you and they differ.

As others answer your questions, focus on what makes sense about their perspective. Listen for what you can agree with.  Comment favorably on what you can agree with before moving forward to add your own perspective.

To accomplish true listening you'll need to dump but from your vocabulary. But negates your prior agreement.  It subtracts, dismisses and eliminates whatever came before, undoing your initial good efforts to understand others' points.  Instead of using but, link others' thoughts and yours with either and or and at the same time.  That way instead of indulging in the narcissistic patterns of ignoring and disputing others' viewpoints, you will begin to be able to add others' viewpoints to your own.  I.e., you will begin to shift from narcissistic "My viewpoints are the only ones that count" to "There's two of us here and both of our perspectives matter."

Narcissism tends especially to block data regarding others' feelings.  When a partner feels sad, anxious or upset, the narcissistic response is to personalize, that is, take the others' feelings as critical statements about themselves.  If "it's all about me," what you feel must be about me as well.  Narcissists therefore get mad instead of supportive when their partner expresses negative emotions like hurt or sad.

It may be that narcissists feel helpless when their partner feels upset in part because, having had narcissistic parents, soothing responsiveness may not be in their repertoire.  Fortunately, positive responses for helping distressed others can be learned.

[bluejay757]

"A lot of selective memory going on here"

RIGHT!? LIKE EVERYONE IS ACTING LIKE THEY ALWAYS LOVED FIONNA AND CAKE WHEN IN REALITY EVERYONE HATED THEM. not to mention it wasn't up until a couple years before Simon was cured that Finn stopped beating the ever loving shit out of him.

simon:

every character on fionna and cake: ugh simon, why are you so boring and sad now? i miss when you used to be the fun and happy and beloved ice king

ice king on the actual original show: